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Dad can't work a toaster

OK my dad wants to get a cell phone - I had to help him start his coffee pot this am.  But he wants a cell phone.  

Have I mentioned how much my dad and I are John and Sam?  

Dear family (couple?) how moved here from KS a few months ago, you shouldn't be still getting lost.  We live on a stright flat road that runs from Wilmington to Newark.  But that thing you did today of turning into the west bound lane while going east bound was kinda amusing... I know - the fog right? 

Dear Customers from TX - spend the money... if you don't send it 3- day now you are not getting it. 

Anybody got a new job for me?